Parenting and Obedience: Troubles with the 'posed to child, why you don't want the most obedient child.

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As a parent I always complain, “why can’t they just obey me!” I want obedient children. Really I do. I don’t think any parent comes into this job wishing their children will rebel and disobey their every wish, request or plea. We don’t want the constant battles, or the continuous “why?” questions. We want obedience.

Having an obedient child is a good thing. It blesses the family with peace. It keeps things running smoothly. But would it surprise you if I said there is something as too much obedience? It is a fine line and one I often find myself wishing my kids would cross. And then I have to humble myself, and remind myself that it isn’t good for them to be too obedient.

Trouble with Too much obedience

Parenting and Obedience: Troubles with the 'posed to child, why you don't want the most obedient child.

This is what we call the ‘posed to child. A ‘posed to child does what they are “supposed” to do, just because they are supposed to do it. That is the full motivation. Can you see the problem with this?

Why is doing what you are suppose to do so bad?

Am I advocating that kids rebel and do the opposite?

No. It isn’t about what they are doing, but WHY they are doing it. Not being a ‘posed to child doesn’t mean that you stop doing what is right or good or what is asked of you. It means that when you choose to obey, there is a reason to your actions. A choice, a deliberance to your choice. (Yes, I did totally make up that word. But it was deliberate, ha!)

When you or your child is active in their choice making it creates a strong character. They are more deliberate in their actions. Thus making them stronger to withstand temptations, peer pressure or the ever changing society values.

The Power in Deliberate Obedience

Take for example, a traffic light. You come to the light and it is red. A ‘posed to child will stop because that is just what you do at a red light. You stop. No other reason. You stop.
Parenting and Obedience: Troubles with the 'posed to child, why you don't want the most obedient child.
A deliberate choice is stopping because you know the pros and cons of stopping or not stopping. You know if you stop it will bless you with safety for yourself and others. You also know that not stopping is dangerous and can cause harm to you or others. Plus a myriad of other consequences from the law. But you know the consequences of both actions and then you make your choice deliberately, you stop. Not because you are supposed to. But because you want the good consequences and not the bad.

Now when a child, or even an adult understands the reason behind their choices it makes it a lot easier to say no when peer pressure comes along.

Take a more serious situation of say skipping school for a child. In my era it was, “You don’t skip school because I say so!” Well that only instills more of the ‘posed to child mentality. Now when the friends come along and beg you to skip school how do you refute the pressure?

Come on! It will be fun. School is boring! That teacher is stupid. We won’t get caught. And we will be able to do all kinds of fun things!”

Now as a parent we want our kids to make the choice to go to class. But what ‘posed to child will be able to refute the peer pressure?

“Oh I can’t. I’m not suppose to.”

Yeah did that just sound as lame to you as it did to me? You can imagine the replies from the friends already right? Mockery, ridicule and more reasons why skipping school would be a great idea.

In the world of debate that is called not having a defense. You would lose. A ‘pose to child is now left without a good reason to not skip school. It is a 50/50 chance gamble if they will continue to be a ‘pose to child or if they will up and skip school cause they are pressured.

I don’t know about you, but I don’t like those odds. The odds would never be in our favor as parents.

But if we teach our kids the consequences of skipping school and the good consequences of not skipping school they can more easily refute the pressure from the peers.

“No thanks. I learn a lot in class. I don’t want to fall behind. There is a higher chance of getting caught than you assume. It will go on our record that could affect college applications. What we do while skipping school could get us into a. Lot of trouble. It doesn’t sound fun to me. I’m going to go to class and get a good grade so I can have better chances for my future.”

Just some ideas of what a deliberate choice could offer your child in replies.

These replies will stand up better and give your child a better chance to resist peer pressure and temptation than simply saying, “I’m not suppose to.”

This is crucial for common teenage trials such a skipping school, drug use, bullying, sexual activity, modest dress, language, cheating, stealing, etc. The list goes on and on. We need to arm our children with strength to face these challenges with strong characters NOW, before they are faced with the situation.

Does the idea of a ‘posed to child make sense now? Does it make sense as to why we don’t want a ‘posed to child?

Sure it would make parenting so much easier. And as a tired parent isn’t that what we all dream of? I mean sheesh, they didn’t give us a manual. Couldn’t they at least give us one easy thing like a ‘posed to child?

But as a parent who wants the best for their child, a ‘posed to child isn’t the answer. It actually sets the child up for failure in the future.

Does this mean we teach our child to question and rebel against everything until they have made up their mind if they want to do what is your choice or not? Not necessarily.

Establishing Deliberate Obedience

Parenting and Obedience: Troubles with the 'posed to child, why you don't want the most obedient child.

You do want to teach your child about obedience. That is a key characteristic that will serve them very well in their life. But not blind obedience. You never want to reply to the popular question, “Why do I have to do this?” With the more popular cliche reply “Because I said so”.

Instead when you ask your child to obey and they question, take a moment to explain both sides of the consequences. If they obey what are the good things that will happen? What are the bad things that will happen if they don’t? Tell them WHY you are asking them to do it.

This helps train your child to use their agency effectively, they can weight the pros and cons. It is perfect training with minor things now like picking up their room or going to bed when you tell them too. So that when the bigger choices come along in the future such as drugs, or breaking the law, or how they perform in a career; they already know how to reason out the pros and cons and can make an informed and deliberate choice. They will know what consequences to expect.

As parents we want to pass on strong and capable children. We want them to succeed in life and be contributing members of society. We want them to have a strong moral compass. Surely as parents we want to pass on our own moral compass to them. Because we believe it. But if you were raised as a ‘posed to child yourself, how can you pass on a moral compass you can’t explain?

Not being a ‘posed to child is never more important than when it comes to morality and ethics. As time moves on, our society is ever changing and the lines of what is moral, ethical  and right are continually changing, according to societies standards.

But what do you do when what you believe is right, and what has been right for hundreds of generations is now shown as being bad? How do you teach your child the morals you hold so true? When so much of society is fighting against it?

Our homes and families are under constant attack. Old traditional values are being shown as “old fashioned” and out dated. Being asked to believe that marriage is important and should be taken seriously and one shouldn’t just think, “well if it doesn’t work out, we can always get a divorce” is becoming a thing of the past.

(Mind you, I’m not saying divorce doesn’t have its place. It does, in cases such as abuse, infidelity, and the likes. Just not in the whole, “oh, I just don’t want to be married anymore.” Realm. But that is a whole discussion for another day.)

It has never been more important to raise our kids to understand the WHY, behind the morals we hold dear. So when they are faced with the opposite they can make an informed decision of their own. They will be able to understand your position. And know the opposing position. And they can use their agency wisely instead of blindly.

Allowing and loving without obedience

That is the hardest part of parenting. Agency- the ability to make an informed choice for good or bad, knowing the consequences of either action. Allowing your child the God Given Right to use their agency. And then accepting their choice, whether it aligns with your own choice or not. And still loving your child no matter their choice.

This is crucial. To continue to love your child after they make their choice. Though it doesn’t mean we remove the consequences of their choices, but that we love them through ALL of their choices and allow them to make them. You never want to turn your back and disown your child because they used their agency to make a different choice than you would have made. But that is a topic for another day.

As parents it is our solemn responsibility to teach them how to use their agency wisely, so they can know the consequences of their choices, good or bad.

  • Our children need to first understand WHY.
  • Then be taught they have the agency to choose.
  • Then realize that while they can choose their own actions they are not free to choose the consequence that follows the action.

That is part of agency, if they truly understand the WHY behind their choice, they will be able to foresee the consequences and can make a deliberate and informed choice to get the outcome consequence they want. Instead of choosing the action they want and getting blindsided with a consequence they weren’t expecting.

A ‘posed to child is unable to see the reason why, therefore they are unable to make responsible and deliberate choices. I don’t know about you, but that is not how I want to send my child out into society.

I want my children to be able to reason, and understand why some choices are bad and some are good. I want them to be able to foresee the consequences to their choices. I want them to be able to take responsibility for their choices and actions. I want them to be able to stand up for what they believe and not be swayed to do something they don’t feel is right, simply because they didn’t have a good enough “Why” to refute the peer pressure.

I no longer want a ‘posed to child. I want a deliberate choice making child. I don’t want blind obedience. I want deliberate and educated obedience.

How do you want to send your child into society?

Will your child be a ‘posed to child with blind obedience?

Will your child be a deliberate choice making child?

How will you raise a strong child with the ability to make deliberate choices?

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55 Comments

  1. My middle son seems to be the most defiant all of my children. My oldest son is the most obedient. It seems as if my children become more obedient with age.

  2. My little guy is the sweetest kid ever, but when he doesn’t want to do something – he won’t do it. He can be extremely stubborn and that’s a big challenge for me – especially since my oldest son is as good as gold.

  3. I have four boys, and they are all different on the obedience scale. When they obey without question it does make my life as a parent easier but I agree with you that you want them to understand the reasons why they should choose to do something or not. Because as they get older, I’m not going to be there every second to make sure they do the right thing. I hope I’m doing a good job preparing them for the world.

    1. That is the very thing that got me thinking on this. My kid are getting older and starting to face peer pressure to do things we have taught them not to do. At first, they couldn’t/didn’t know how to say no. Nor why they should. And since mom and dad weren’t there to enforce it, they wouldn’t do what we had taught them to be as right. We quickly started remedying that; and while our boys are still learning to be courageous enough to say no; they are learning the WHY behind it and are doing a lot better and not in as much trouble any longer.

      1. That’s great that your kids are choosing to do the right thing even when you are not there. I think that is the perfect way to know you are doing something right! I wish our kids didn’t have to deal with peer pressure or that they would always pick to be around kids who didn’t want to to the wrong thing. But reality is that they will eventually have to deal with it and be brave enough to do the right thing even if no one else is not. We have started trying to teach our boys about the importance of choosing good friends, too.

  4. You raise some very valid points. I firmly believe in QUESTION EVERYTHING. Unfortunately, there’s a very fine line between raising a child who questions authority and one who just doesn’t respect authority – that is what we are dealing with right now.

    1. Oh that is another hard parenting topic. Respecting Authority! Goodness. We are struggling with that one too. It’s my 8 yr old. The others do well, but this one….

    2. we’re there too. with my 8 year old. I don’t mind the question of authority if it’s done respectfully.

      i’m also really afraid of teen years.

      I do believe in explaining and talking with my kids about WHY we feel this way, why we have rules that are different than friends, why we must help others, etc.

  5. Definitely some interesting points here. I don’t have kids, but I can only imagine all the challenges of raising them with the proper balance — the importance of questioning and also respecting authority at the same time.

  6. I have a posed to child and a much more defiant one. Parenting the posed to child is so much easier! But I agree with your points, it is good to have a balance between the two.

  7. I think that you give great advice here. I always try to explain things to my kids. I would, however, give just about anything for my daughter who is ODD, PDD-NOS & ADHD Combined type to respond obediently for any reason- whether or blindly or not just once! It’s very difficult with her just getting simple, daily routine stuff, like getting dressed and brushing her hair, done without major meltdowns.

    1. That is a challenge all on it’s own. My daughter has sensory issues. we are still trying to get her tested to find out exactly what her challenges are. so she is a bit of a unique case. And I can understand your frustrating of just wanting them to obey ANYTHING for ANY reason. boy do I understand.

  8. I love this post. Parenting can be such a controversial subject, but I wholeheartedly agree with this post. I have 2 VERY good kids, but my son is at the age where he’s testing limits and learning about himself, his personality and I’m okay with that. =)

  9. Great article, Amber. As my kids are getting older, I’m learning how beneficial it is to let them make their own choices and own mistakes so they can learn the pro’s and con’s of things without it always being “because Mom or Dad said so.” As I’m giving them more freedom – again within reason and at a good limit for their ages – they are growing and it’s wonderful to see. Sometimes the consequences hurt – ie losing their computer time for the day because they didn’t finish their chores. But I’d rather them learn a lesson now than wait until they are older and the consequences are far greater. Plus things run more smoothly this way than if I’m nagging them. It’s a win-win. 🙂

  10. Such great advice and take aways for all parents. Thanks for the tips, so far I’m not dealing with this too much but I can still relate and take the advice.

    Thanks!

  11. I think I was very much ‘trained’ to be a ‘sposed to child.. I just didn’t have the liberty to decide things on my own or do things any differently than the way I was supposed to do it. (I say trained bc I was literally emotionally and physically abused into it as a child).

    I never thought otherwise, even today it’s hard for me to think about doing things in a way that I’m not told to, or that I’m not supposed to do. :/ It makes for a very scared child and even adult who doesn’t show proper levels of independence or decision making skills – at 28, I’m still like that!

  12. Having one adult child already, I am a firm believer of letting kids make their own choices and find their own way. The best compliment a parent can get is seeing their kids grow to be great adults

  13. We don’t have any kids at the moment so I can’t fully say exactly how or what I would do. I think you have some really good points and if we ever decide to become parents I would for sure think of all of this!

  14. I can see where you are coming from, this sometimes can be a tough subject… My daughter sometimes has trouble with being obedient, but we work with her, and hope she comes around.

  15. There are times when it’s important to explain obedience to your child, but sometimes they just need to listen. I think that you should defintiely teach your child to make good choices, but there are also instances when a child just needs to listen and you might not have time to explain why at that exact moment.

  16. Very interesting post. Obedience these days are corrupted, too simplified that kids will just reply numb words. Kids need to obey their parents with Faith, not with lack of Faith. I agree, kids should not obey their parents like robots. Parents should be there and hear how their kids understand the right and the wrong.

  17. I think when I was a kid i was a ‘sposed to child! =( I never questions authority and did what I was supposed to. When I got older I wanted to rebel because I was tired of always doing what I was suppose to. Felt like everyone around me were living their life while I followed the rules of my uncle. At time I get overwhelmed because my son is the total opposite of me when I was a child. I want him to be obedient but not at the price at being miserable like I was. I just try to teach him to make his decision based on the pros and cons like you mentioned.

  18. I was one of those kids that did what they were told because that is what I was supposed to do. I think I still turned out okay. Not everyone fits in a specific mold which is what makes the world an interesting place. My oldest son is defiant most of the time but is getting to an age where we can sit with him and discuss the different scenarios for him to make a good decision about his actions.

  19. Great advice! All parents should read it. I try to teach my kids to be obedient but well.. ugh. Each is at a different stage of testing and pushing buttons.

  20. This si such a great article!! i am a single mom mad it is hard to be the only one responsible for EVERYTHING!! I get tired of it after awhile, you know? But, i stay strong for my girls and use some of these suggestions. I do have to admit, I don’t always have the energy to explain why. I am going to have to work on that!!

  21. Balance is still important. After all – obedience and being controlled to whatever you say – is a different thing.

  22. My kids are grown but I definitely raised two sons that are independent thinkers. I can’t say they were disobedient growing up but they knew how to push the envelope so to speak. They have both graduated from college and have successful careers and good relationships.

  23. Great insight! I believe that disciplining your child is really a great responsibility for parents. It is not enough to just spank your kid, but you need to make him realize why you are spanking him. It is very crucial that kids should understand the pros and cons of each decision they make. Teach your children not just how to live, but also why to live within that same standard.

  24. I think that kids should be taught the reason behind “being good/obedient.” If they understand why the rule was put in place, they can make the decision to rebel against it or not. For example, lots of us speed on the freeways, but we know what we are doing & we make that decision to do so. Just as long as we are still driving safely & not totally recklessly.

  25. This is a great post! I was a posed to child, not that I knew what that was before today but you are so right! I went through the motions and did what I was supposed to do for so long and as an adult this got me into a lot of trouble and I couldn’t understand why. Sometimes I still don’t understand why. Thankfully, I’ve grown a lot as a person and now I’m learning why the behavior/obedience is important.

  26. Loved your insight about this, and honestly hadn’t really given it much thought up to this point. I have an 8 year old and a 5 year old. My 8 year old is very much a rule follower, almost by nature – call it first born syndrome? 🙂 Anyway, I’ve never really paid much attention to how I teach her the rules. Do I explain consequences including pros and cons, or do I just give the rules in a controlling “because I know what’s best for you” way.? I will definitely be having more intentional dialogue with her when this topic comes up because I see your point! Thank you for sharing something so important! 🙂

  27. I think it is important to teach children the why behind what they are told to do. But I think when they are real young they do learn just to obey for obeying sake because they are yet able to fully understand reasoning. It is something they have to learn over time.

  28. I don’t mind obedience but I don’t want puppets. My kids question almost everything and my toddler is at that stage where re everything is why, why, why. Obedience is a good thing though and I’m hoping that she gets to be as good as the others.

  29. Great read, very interesting and well thought out. I don’t disagree, but find merit in a half and half approach. I do explain to my children why, but as people can and will do sometimes they will still go in the opposite direction, which is when the other approach takes effect. There is no perfect way to parenting, best we can do is love our kids, teach them to learn from their mistakes, while we learn from their and our mistakes.

  30. I don’t know that I want to teach my children to be obedient, but they will and are being taught to be respectful. In this respect they learn they will learn to follow the rules and understand why.

  31. I absolutely love your way of thinking here. I will be honest, I’ve always had a bit of a problem with authority. Maybe more than a bit. When my son was born, I decided to raise him to question authority, to think for himself, to give respect where it was earned and not just because someone in a position of power demanded it. I knew I was choosing a hard road. Do I want him to just do what I say sometimes? Of course, we all want our kids to listen to us! But I also want him to learn to negotiate, to question “orders” and make the right decision based on his own strong ethical compass. I also don’t want him to be so trained to obey that he goes against his own gut feeling when someone tells him to do something wrong.

  32. Great post.. awesome tips.. I can say with all three of mine so far *knock on wood* I’ve did pretty good.. but that doesn’t mean it will change.. will keep your post handy in case I ever need it. Thanks for sharing

  33. I think balance is needed. I want my daughter to understand why doing something is a bad idea but at her age now I want her to obey whether she’s able to comprehend the why behind my decision. She’s only two and I want her to obey me immediately if she’s running into the road. I don’t want her to make her own decision. If we’re in a controlled environment I might let her weigh the pros and cons and let her make a mistake, say allowing her to touch a curling iron that’s cooling off after I’ve explained why she shouldn’t touch it and she’s still wanting to. As she gets older I’ll begin letting her have more and more choices but right now I want obedience. That makes sense though, right?

    1. That definitely does. As little children; they need to know that there are times when immediate and strict obedience is a must. And at super young ages they can’t comprehend the why yet. So yes, at those ages just teaching obedience is a must.
      It’s as they get older we need to take the time to begin explaining why. Normally for my kids we have been working on an “immediate action ask questions later” for certain things. Like if I say “STOP” or “Don’t touch!” Just so they know I am willing to explain the why to them, but if it is a life endangering moment; they know to just do it right away. But other things they are at the age when teaching them the why is very important because their brain can comprehend reasoning and needs to be trained how to use it now instead of waiting until they are teenagers and don’t know how to stand up to peer pressure.

  34. I grew up as a ‘spose to child. My suppose to answers are ok to me though and didn’t need an explanation because the rathe/disappointment of my parents was far that the pressure of having to give someone an excuse

  35. I have struggled with this. I use to the parent that was reactive, “WHY WON”T YOU LISTEN OR OBEY ME, WHY BECAUSE I SAID SO! IF YOU DON”T OBEY YOU WILL GET SPANKED!” I realized it was a heart issue on both parties my boys and I. I had to learn how to communicate so they understood the choices and why if they disobeyed it would be detrimental to their own personal goals or how it could be disrespecting others. I am constantly learning with my boys, its hard when you are a single mom as you have to wear many hats. I meet weekly with someone from my church who helps me guide me with raising my boys and how to be the mother I would want for myself. If that makes sense. Thanks again for the read

  36. Raising children is a tough job! My youngest daughter is defiant, determined, and strong-willed. We always make a point to explain why we have our rules (like no boys in the house when an adult isn’t here) but talking to a teenager sometimes is like talking to the wall.

  37. Great post, fresh insight. I remember using “I’m not supposed to” line in school when confronted with peer pressure. I wanted to know more on tactics how to teach my child deliberate obedience and have a strong character to withstand temptation and peer pressure.

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