So. You want to be the Meanest Mom Ever, eh? Not quite reached that status in the eyes of your child? Don’t you fret. I’ll get you there. In these five easy steps, you’ll ensure that your child thinks you’re the meanest. It’s not easy, but you can do it.
Five Steps to Becoming the Meanest Mom Ever
1. Make your kid do chores. Teach them responsibility. They hate that! Learning to be self-sufficient is the worst!
Doing chores will help them to learn to be persistent and dedicated. Being a contributing member of the family will make them really mad at you.
2. Set boundaries. A bedtime ensures they get proper sleep, making their bodies healthy and their brains alert. A curfew means you know that they’re safe. Monitoring their internet usage keeps pornographic images out of your home and out of their brains.
How could you do such a thing to your kids?! Steady on, soldier. You’re on your way to becoming the Meanest.
3. Enforce use of polite words and tone of voice. Man, kids hate it when they have to use “please” and “thank you.” Manners are so outdated, and demanding something is so much more affective than asking politely. And making a teenager knock off the attitude? Ooo, you’ve done it now. Good work.
4. Teach them Personal Hygiene. It takes forever to take a shower or a bath. Why should they change their underwear and socks? They’ll just get dirty again, so why bother? And they barely used their hands when they went to the bathroom. There’s probably not even any germs on their hands, so they don’t really need to wash, do they? Yes they do.
Because you said so and you’re the Meanest Mom Ever! They’ll try their hardest to be the stinky kid at school. They’re going for a record on how long they can go without brushing their teeth or washing their hands. Don’t let them! It’s your job to crush their dreams and aspirations! This will be a lifelong ongoing battle. Hunker down, Ladies. You’re in for a long fight. Especially with boys.
5. Give them consequences. That’s right. I said it. Hand those suckers out like candy on Halloween. This is guaranteed to make you the Meanest Mom Ever, ensuring you’re an embarrassment to your teenager and that your six year old curses you every night before bed. And really, it’s a two part step. Not only do you have to give the consequence, you have to follow through. (Side note: This also applies to positive consequences. I suggest handing those bad boys out with abandon, but they’re risky. They’ll either go unnoticed or make you appreciated. Neither makes you the M.M.E. But do it anyway.)
Back to business. They broke curfew Friday? They’re not allowed to go to the party Saturday night. But mo-om! Everyone will be there!! Good. Now all their friends know you’re the Meanest Mom Ever. Word of mouth is the fastest way to spread your reputation. When your kid is grounded from the Wii because they yelled at you and refused to clean their room, they’ll cry and tell you that you broke their heart. That’s the kind of thing you like to hear, right?! Let them whine and complain. It doesn’t bother you. It feeds your power. You’re the Meanest Mom Ever!
Because really, that’s what this motherhood thing is all about. Right? Who’s with me?!
I write this tongue-in-cheek after hearing too many of my mom friends tell me how their kids think they’re the worst. My own kids think I’m the worst. My son tells me all the time that I break his heart when I follow through with a consequence.
Every single one of these steps will help teach a kid to be a decent human being. It’ll teach them to be aware of other’s feelings, of how they treat others, of how they treat themselves. They’ll learn to do a job right and own up to their mistakes. It’ll teach them to be fair. How to take care of things that are important to them. How to work hard for something they want. They’ll learn that they are loved enough by someone who took the time to be the Meanest Mom Ever.
I remember being a sophomore in High School sociology, holding court with my friends, bawlin’ over some trivial thing my Meanest Mom (or Dad…) Ever did. I don’t remember what it was, but it was some kind of rule or boundary. Sitting a few seats behind me was a Senior. He was a bit rough around the edges. Black hair that hung to his shoulders. A tattoo snaked up his forearm. A big ol’ gauge ring in his tongue. Really nice guy though. I remember he looked at me and said, “I wish I had a parent who cared enough about me to do that.”
Ouch. You bet your ruffled bloomers I never complained about my parents again. At least not publicly. That was the moment it hit me that my parents were being the Meanest Ever because they cared. Did it stop me from making mistakes or belly aching over the next two years? No. But it made me appreciate the struggle my parents endure of trying to teach me to be an upstanding member of society. And keep me from being the stinky kid at school.
Now it’s my turn to pay it forward.
So, has your kid called you the Meanest Mom Ever (or worse)? Chin up, ladies. You’re doing your job. And as a Meanest Mom Ever member, I salute you.