December isn’t my favorite month of the year, and likely never will be. My story starts with my children, and as the old adage says, ladies first.
Coping with Grief
In 2010, my daughter Rachel was seven going on seventeen, complete with an opinion bred from every teenage year between. Back in those days, she was one of those insufferable children who always managed to sneak into my wife and my bed, and often I would wake to her smiling face. It was one of those frustratingly sweet experiences. And each morning that I would wake up before her, she would announce that my days of productivity were over by crawling into my lap and cuddle there for at least half an hour. She often described our relationship by holding up her pinkie finger and identifying it as “Me” and then wrapping her index finger around it and labeling it “You.” Any father who denies this kind of relationship with his daughter is lying. We’re all wrapped around a beautiful little girl’s finger, and that’s that.
Then I came home from work two days after Christmas and my wife announced that Rachel was suffering from a migraine and flu-like symptoms. Within the next fifteen hours, we were sitting in the hospital ER, lost, broken hearted, and holding the gently cooling hand of our little girl as she lay lifeless on the hospital bed.
What we didn’t know was that Rachel was born with a slowly deteriorating spleen which, over the period of seven years, had stopped working entirely. So when the flu infected her system, her spleen had ceased functioning properly (it’s a filtering organ) and allowed the infection to ravage the rest of her system, shutting her down quickly. The doctor said that even if we had brought her in in time to save her, her symptoms were just that of a flu victim and he would have sent us home.
Dealing with Death
Now, Rachel left behind her parents, and three brothers, one a twin and the other 2 little brothers, all wondering what to do. Thankfully, we have something locally called The Sharing Place, a grief counseling center for children. As part of our bi-weekly opportunities to go in, we have learned some skills and observed some similarities with some of the other parents. This is not an all-comprehensive list by any means, and I am not a licensed therapist, so they are merely things I’ve seen and hope will help with those who are grieving, or have friends who are grieving as well.
- Listen. For those who are grieving, they sometimes need to talk, and having a good listener is paramount. This is not a time to compare war wounds, but to simply listen. If they ask what they should do, it’s OK to say “I don’t know.” But having someone to laugh and cry with never hurts.
- Don’t treat kids like idiots. Kids don’t get things like “They passed” or “Moved on.” If you tell your child that the deceased has died, they understand that, even if they don’t understand all of the nuances of mortality. Died and dead, though they sound harsh to our ears are easily understandable by little ones. And only tell them that “God took them.” if you want your child to have a serious complex and belief schism that they will be telling their therapist about in later years.
- Pain isn’t comparative. Those who hurt aren’t unique on a large scale (everyone suffers) but suffering is something that pushes the limits of a person’s personal understanding and emotional states. I can’t tell you how many people have told me “My husband/wife just died, but it can’t be anything compared to losing a child.” This isn’t true. Pain is personal, and no one can one-up someone else in suffering. And though suffering is unique, understanding is universal.
- The world will look differently. Everything will change for the griever. They will take normal things and said things will take on new meaning. I never hear a break-up song where the boy loses the girl without thinking about my little girl. As an example, the song “When You’re Dreaming With a Broken Heart” reminds me so much of my little girl that she’s all I can think of when I hear it.
- The stages of grief don’t have an order for the griever. You know the drill: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and finally Acceptance, all wrapped up in a neat little package. It may work that way for the dying, but for those left behind, there is no order. Though I’ve been through two or three (depression, anger and acceptance) they happened in no specific order and some I didn’t experience at all (bargaining comes to mind). Anger and depression have even made a few return trips. If you know someone who is grieving, be patient. They are going through emotional and mental healing. If they aren’t progressing according to the chart, don’t worry about it. There is no order here.
- Pain can manifest as anger. Sometimes pain translates directly into anger. There needs to be an outlet for it. Something to punch, something to throw, something that hopefully doesn’t break or hurt. As I mentioned, I am very fortunate to go to The Sharing Place. They have a room called The Volcano Room which is a padded room full of punching bags, pillows and other things to get the anger and hurt out.
- Reality keeps on going. Jobs will still suck, life is still unfair, your lottery number still probably won’t get picked and people are stupid. In the case of the latter, people don’t know what the griever is going through, and they don’t know how to handle grief, so in lieu of being tactful, the most stupid thing in the word is about to vomit out of their mouths. Sometimes those people are your family or even best friends. Keep a journal of their stupidity and maybe you can use it against them later on or something. As a personal story, I had a cousin that I was talking to at the funeral and I mentioned that I felt lucky to have had Rachel in my life. “NO!” She exclaimed. “Say it like it is. You were blessed.” Not knowing how to react to this I continued on and mentioned how lucky I was to have my wife through this ordeal. “NO!” She interrupted again. “Say it like it is. You were blessed.” Sorry, I have to ignore you now before I have to punch you in the face.
- The world’s expectations vs. reality. The average job gives three days grievance in the case of immediate death in the family. Just a forewarning: This isn’t enough. Grief lasts years. I almost wish my three days grievance could happen six months later on in the year when the real grief broke. And they had to just deal with it when I sat crying at my desk. If they wanted me to get over it and get back to work, a healthier grievance time should be considered. If you have any sick leave or annual leave saved up, you might want to consider using it in the next few years just to grieve. And the firsts of everything (holidays, special days, heck, sometimes just regular days) are especially hard.
- Help them to remember. Not every child who dies is newsworthy. Not all tragedies are remembered by millions or even hundreds. A parent who loses a child needs to know their child is remembered. This needs great tact and sensitivity, but it does worlds of good. Just the other day I found out ways in which my little girl touched complete strangers that helped me to know that her memory lives on in other people’s lives. In an attempt to remember my little girl, I made this video of her to the tune of the last lullaby I ever sang to her. (A word to the wise: we are a very religious family and under Sam’s comment that Rachel is still part of our family, he’s referring to the fact that we believe that if a couple is married in one of our temples, it is essentially an eternal family).
There are a million facets to grief, and no one blog post can cover them all. These are just a few items that I noticed. Death isn’t the end of it all for the griever, and there are a lot of times when the griever feels like the dead family member got off lucky. At least they don’t have to go through the grieving. Knowing that the grief doesn’t need to be suffered through alone is very important, though. Sometimes a griever only needs someone to cry with.
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Ellen Christian
I cannot imagine what a horrible thing that is to go with. I appreciate the advice on how to best be helpful to others during this time.
vinma
I cannot imagine the grief you experienced.. I know no amount of words could console you on this loss. Thanks for the great information on coping with death. I will keep it in mind..
Nicole
I cannot imagine the grief a parent faces after losing a child. Thank you for sharing Rachel’s story and your tips for how to deal with the unimaginable.
Robin (Masshole Mommy)
I can’t even imagine…..
Thanks for the tips and I hope to god I never need to use any of them.
Michele
There is absolutely nothing I can say–grief is dealt with on an individual basis. My heart is with you.
GossipMoms (@GossipMoms)
This literally brought tears to my eyes while reading it, I cannot image your hurt & pain, Thank you so much for being strong to even make this post. I appreciate all the advice you gave to help others in these hard times
susan
this must have been so horrible to go through… But I agree with all the points, especially the helping them remember the loved one.
Pam
I am so sorry for your loss, Amber. I cannot imagine going through this and thank you for sharing your tips with others who might be going through a similar situation. Hugs and prayers for you.
Lady Lilith
I am so sorry to hear about the death of your daughter. Thank you for all the great tips.
Prairie Wife
Thank you for sharing. I hope that this post will help other parents as they travel the twisted path of grief. I wholeheartedly agree with your statement that honesty with our children about death is the best policy. May God continue to give you strength.
Lawna
I am so sorry for your loss. This is a great post because often when someone passes away it’s hard to know what to say or how to act.
Jenn @therebelchick
I am so very sorry for your loss! Thank you for sharing these tips. My friend just passed away on Saturday and I am struggling with how to help his survivor.
Janel
First, I’m so grateful for eternal families and being sealed in the temple and the comfort that can give to your family. I can’t imagine losing a child that has to be the hardest trial, ever. I appreciate your advice on how to speak to children, I would have completely handled that wrong because you’re right, I think of “dead” and “died” as cold and harsh words.
LauraOinAK
Any loss is such a challenge and one thing I’ve learned is that couples who lose a child grieve differently, too. The holiday season is a difficult time in our house, too, with 2 of my husband’s siblings having died during that time frame as well as a miscarriage.
Mistee Dawn
Such a heartbreaking story. Thanks so much for sharing that with us. I cannot even imagine making it through something like that.
Angela
I can only imagine the grief one goes through from losing a child. I think it’s wonderful that you are sharing your own experience and wisdom to help others who might be sharing a similar loss.
Tough Cookie Mommy
I am so deeply sorry for your loss. As a parent, I know that this is every parent’s worst nightmare. I pray that you all find peace through your grieving.
Jennifer Williams
I am so sorry for your loss and you are so right when you say it takes years to deal with it. Everyone definitely does it differently and any of those stages can hit you at any given moment regardless of the amount of time that has passed. I will pray for your family and thank you for sharing this to help others.
Sarah Bailey
I cannot start to imagine how it must be for you and your family what a sweet and wonderful daughter it sounds like you were blessed with.
Veronica
I cannot even imagine what losing a child feels like.. I’ have a friend who went through that a few years ago. Thanks for the advice for helping others
Theresa
I am so sorry for your loss. I can’t even begin to imagine the pain of losing a child. Thank you for your tips on how to deal with loss. I really hope I never need to use them, but in case I do, thank you for sharing your story!
Liz @ A Nut in a Nutshell
This just completely broke my heart. I can’t even imagine the pain of losing a child. 🙁
Maria
Such a tough loss. I am so sorry for your grief! Thank you for the advice you have given us.
Jennifer Soltys
Wow. Very touching and moving post. You are right… it’s hard to know what to say to a person when you cannot relate. My cousin recently died and I couldn’t begin to know what to say to my uncle. We were all grieving, but she was his daughter. You aren’t supposed to bury your children and it’s just beyond horrible. Thanks for sharing your story and advice. And VERY sorry for your loss. <3
brett
oh, my heart. and i’ve read rachel’s story. it’s touched my heart. my best friend lost her little girl and its just not fathomable to me how others can try to impose their ideas on how grief should go. there’s no right or wrong. no script. its real, it’s raw and it’s there, in your face. my heart holds yours
Nancy Lustri (StyleDecor)
I’m so sorry for your loss. I can’t even begin to imagine the pain you are going through.
Thank you for finding the strength to write this post and for sharing the beautiful video of your daughter. I’m sure your post will help others who are grieving the loss of a child. I will be sending a friend of mine to read your post. Lots of hugs and prayers. <3
katherine
I can’t even imagine what you have gone through. I only have one child and I would die if I lost her
Andrea
Thank you for such a beautifully written blog post full of love and hope. I have five sons and can not imagine what you and your wife and children have had to go through. Thank you for sharing this piece of you, and making me realize that no matter what type of year I’ve had I’m very lucky. Bless you and yours.
Liza @ Views From the 'Ville
What a heartbreaking story, and something no parent wants to even let into their mind for a minute. I appreciate the tips on talking to others during grief. Sometimes you want to help, but just aren’t sure what to say.
Le-an Lacaba
Since the storm, we have heard of saddening news of friends and relatives passing on. I do believe it never is easy, and never will be. And in the end, even the most withdrawn person will need someone to lean on, because a loss is a loss. Whether or not that person was close to you, you can still feel that gap
amanda
O oh wow, i dont’ even know the words to say. It seems you are okay now, but are we ever able to recover from the death of a child? I’m not sure. Thank you for sharing your story.
Marysa
I can’t imagine how difficult this is, thank you for sharing your story and your beautiful daughter. My friend lost her daughter to a brain tumor, and she has been writing about her experience on my website, if you ever want to check it out. She talks about a lot of the same things you described.
Amanda Love ~ Growing Up Madison
I can’t even begin to imagine losing a child. I lost my dad a year ago and it still hurts. Death comes to everyone and I started explaining what it was all about to my kids when we lost our first pet.
Ashley Gill
I am so sorry for you loss. What a sweet and beautiful little girl. When I was growing up my nephew drowned. I was in 7th grade and everyone around me acted like I couldn’t understand what was happening. I think their ignorance made me hate the situation even more. We lost our little boy from our lives and they were not letting me grieve. I love this list. You are exactly right. It is important to handle the situation correctly.
Pam
Such a beautiful tribute. I am crying with you right now.
My sister lost her son suddenly 4 years ago and we were 30 years lucky. It is so tough and the grieving process goes on and we know it will never end.
My heart is with you and to all parents who have lost children.
patricia
Wow what a beautiful tribute to your daughter. I cannot imagine ever losing a child. The video is beautiful and very moving. Brings tears to my eyes. So sorry for your loss
teresa mccluskey
I am saying a prayer for you and your family! This is such a beautiful post. As a mother I dont know what I would do if I was to ever lose my daughters. God bless you.
Aisha Kristine Chong
It’s not easy to deal with things like this and I know it harder than how you have put it into words – prayers are for you and your family. Thank you for those tips and advices. I will definitely make use of it in the future.
Pappy Beyer
I’m not her father, but her grand father, and my feelings are deep.
I have a phone voice mail that I have down loaded to me computer that she sang to me.
I can pull it up and listen to it and it makes me feel at peace.
We still miss having her around but know that we will see her again.
Gay Beckstead
Beautiful!